the problem with life is such that sometimes, we have toomuch of something, everything. mom always said: not too much heaty stuff, not too much cooling stuff. don’t spend too much. don’t drink too much. at 26, i really should be paying more attention to age-old truisms. But i am a hoarder. so i tend to have too much of everything. books. files. too much notes from school and teaching that i dont need anymore. little cards and notes. AND i dont ever throw them away!! my mother is also excessive in this respect and when we were away in melbourne, she filled the white walls with framed pictures of di and myself. So she dealt with our absence by building some sort of scary shrine. And I was totally freaked out for, like, about a year.

somewhere between 11am and midday today, i realised that i have been spending the past few days worrying, excessively, over something that I had no control over. and im not even sure why im worried about sillythings. the smallest glimmer of reasoning came today when i was alone in the office and i am probably overtlyworried slash anxious because i have stopped seeking the one who is morethanenough. and the thing is i dont know when or how to begin/(re)begin. harhar. ohdear. this is really just a flurry of thoughts. and it’s more like an epiphany of sorts.

leave me alone with my mint mentos please.

so i spent my lunch time eating cold ramen and onigiri and by the time i returned to my little hole in the building, all i really wanted to do was to curl up and fall asleep. i think i did – an hour later. im not particularly lazy, i simply ate too much. : ) and i drank too much coke. and there’s all this gas stuck in my throat, which makes my stomach really queasy and uneasy.

today is monday. i have tuition every monday. and thursdays. but tuition on mondays tend to be more significant because it’s the start of the week. still, tonight will be a different type of monday because i’ll be going to the airport close to midnight to pick my aunt and cousins up. we rarely see them, and they’re back from the States for a brief time of decadence and asian indulgence. so im doing the nice thing by forgoing sleep.

i also have a thing for airports. airports always have way too much aircon, way too much food, and way too many planes.

I have been very inefficient of late. And it’s hard trying to be smart and witty and creative on a monday morning. We’ll see. But for now, I’m in my compressed self. I want to stop initiating conversations. My aunt noticed I had small hands for the first time last night as I sat beside her on her big black couch. She thinks everything about me is small, compressed, like a minature version of everybody else. Ok, so I don’t have big hands. But imagine if I had small hands and giant feet, wouldn’t that be really funny?

I’m trying to get the hang of my nikon. I don’t think I take good pictures and I am still playing around with the shutter speed and erretayting people with sporadic flash shots from di’s window. Today, I am going to escape the cages for a little while and run off for a lunch time escapade. We are meeting by the river, debs and i, which sounds so utterly romantic in the weirdest way possible.

I really hope she doesn’t read this.