I am so sad. I wake up today at 8something in the morning and realise everything is ______ . off-centered/ changing/climateshifting. Family woes are spiralling out-of-control and again it (re)affirms in my heart that moneyistherootofallevil. I have always had a close extended family – and so the messymessy situation is making the entire season (where families get together) one grand mistake. In truth, I’m dreading christmas and new year and mybirthday and chinese new year. There, I said it.

I have forgotten how to pray for myself. And frankly? Frankly.

What (really) keeps me going is when D reminds me to pray for her + her struggles + anxieties admist the showers. She says thank you but I say thank you instead. cos’ that’s actually the only thing that’s keeping me connected to my spiritual self, like a piece of yarn. like loose leaf. A few days ago, epiphanies fell (also) when Z said I am prayed for everymorning. Wow. eversohumbling. And everloved. What am I doing then? despite all that, I keep and hoard my lazy self on the bed, collecting faint imprints that are formed on the black sheets left behind in a hurry when I rush off to fight other unimportant battles.

Today, I wonder if I am turning unfeeling or my heart is growing cold because I want to weep at the state of events but I can’t.
People say it’s just the tenacity working.

as for me, I /really/ don’t know.